He was simply perfect.
He satisfied all my requirements
8 years older than me.
Studied overseas.
good job
10/10
That was the verdict given as soon as his family left that evening.
No one liked his parents or sisters. they were snobbish and they even had the audacity to speak a different language among themselves(a language that none of us knew)
My uncle and aunt said
but you are not marrying his family and you will be living overseas. So what if his parents are not the kind of people one would like as in laws?
I should have known then that you can get a guy out of his family, but you can never get the family out of the guy.
There was one more bonus point, he is the only son and would inherit the family mansion, which would be a big plus point!! You have no idea how much the house is worth right now, said the friend of the friend of the friend who brought in the proposal
Was he the one? After listening to all the pros and the cons from all my family members I was convinced perhaps yes he was the one.
The thing is that in essence where everything went wrong.Everyone told me how ideal he was for me, I saw him through their eyes. Not mine.
No one actually asked or bothered to find if we actually had anything in common. If they had done that, they would have certainly not considered this proposal
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Destiny
The proposal came through from someone who knew someone who knew his family. He was working overseas, and my aunt and uncle invited his parents over for tea.
This wasn't a tea ceremony. My aunt insisted, because the boy was not coming for the initial meeting. Only his parents.
She even suggested that we serve the food as a buffet, so I won't have to serve anyone!
I was planning to wear my usual work wear. Skirt and a top.
i even got my aunt to agree that she won't force me to wear saree at the 10th hr.
She promised.
Yet an hour before his parents visit,I was already a nervous wreck. I wasn't sure what I was getting in to.
Then my aunt looked at my outfit and spoke ever so gently
Oh, you look so young, they may think that you are not matured enough to be their daughter in law.
I am sure she knew how to emotionally manipulate me.
All my life I was trying to prove that I am matured enough to make the decisions that affects my life.
I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't matured enough.
So I wore a saree!
My mother had plenty of advice.
Don't speak until you are spoken to.
Don't ask anything about their son. ( my family will do the asking!!!)
Don't laugh, smile gently.
Remember, first impression is the best impression.
The entire house was in festive mood.. My aunt and the maids were busy making sweets and other stuff for the visitors.
We had to impress.
Then they came.
I watched them from my bedroom window.
The most oddest thing was, the car seat still had the plastic cover the manufacturer had put at the time they made the car( at least 4 years ago!!)
That alone should have told me something, No?
within a few minutes his mother was talking about money.
Bargaining has already started.
My uncle informed them what my parents can afford and his mother said
'that is chicken feed, we spend this much to educate our son'
I felt humiliated.
My parents spend their money to educate me, just as they spend to educate their son. Just because I had xx chromosome and their son had xy chromosome, my parents hardships became irrelevant and theirs became relevant.
They had nothing to ask me, they had nothing to say about son.
Only gold and money.
I still thought i wasn't a cattle!
This wasn't a tea ceremony. My aunt insisted, because the boy was not coming for the initial meeting. Only his parents.
She even suggested that we serve the food as a buffet, so I won't have to serve anyone!
I was planning to wear my usual work wear. Skirt and a top.
i even got my aunt to agree that she won't force me to wear saree at the 10th hr.
She promised.
Yet an hour before his parents visit,I was already a nervous wreck. I wasn't sure what I was getting in to.
Then my aunt looked at my outfit and spoke ever so gently
Oh, you look so young, they may think that you are not matured enough to be their daughter in law.
I am sure she knew how to emotionally manipulate me.
All my life I was trying to prove that I am matured enough to make the decisions that affects my life.
I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't matured enough.
So I wore a saree!
My mother had plenty of advice.
Don't speak until you are spoken to.
Don't ask anything about their son. ( my family will do the asking!!!)
Don't laugh, smile gently.
Remember, first impression is the best impression.
The entire house was in festive mood.. My aunt and the maids were busy making sweets and other stuff for the visitors.
We had to impress.
Then they came.
I watched them from my bedroom window.
The most oddest thing was, the car seat still had the plastic cover the manufacturer had put at the time they made the car( at least 4 years ago!!)
That alone should have told me something, No?
within a few minutes his mother was talking about money.
Bargaining has already started.
My uncle informed them what my parents can afford and his mother said
'that is chicken feed, we spend this much to educate our son'
I felt humiliated.
My parents spend their money to educate me, just as they spend to educate their son. Just because I had xx chromosome and their son had xy chromosome, my parents hardships became irrelevant and theirs became relevant.
They had nothing to ask me, they had nothing to say about son.
Only gold and money.
I still thought i wasn't a cattle!
The ads
I am sure most Indian women of my age knows about the ads.
22 year old, young, wheatish complexion( what in the world is that? Why would my skin colour matter?) recently graduated from such and such University, seeks suitable groom.
My parents used my cousin who was reputed to have written the most brilliant marriage ads..
Most brilliant here equals to total number of responses, not suitable responses, just the number of letters the poor post man had to carry.
I too had the ads placed in all the paper. My parents wanted to cast a wider net that meant not only Malayala Manorama, but also the other english dailies.
I remember checking the paper to read what my uncle wrote about me and it felt so funny. I felt he was describing an orange or an apple, not me. There was nothing about me as a person.My likes, my dislikes..nothing..
I was just a woman, ripe for marriage and all everyone wanted was to dump me on to someone's shoulder. the rest was up to me.
To make it work..it was my job.
To make the marriage work! it was always the woman's job.
There were plenty of responses to the ad in the paper.. I was in demand
After all i was wheatish complexioned and had a damn good degree..
I am a 'good mother' material..good genes!!!
Aunts and uncles were involved in the initial pickings.
Those outside our religious affiliations were rules out
Then the geographic location. Men from this part of kerala was better that ones from that part.
Finally the list was narrowed down to 20.
Then the trouble started.
I refused to do the tea ceremony!!
Again I wasn't a cattle to be displayed to prospective buyers and I refused to play by the rules.
If there was someone who wanted to marry me, he could meet me at the place where i worked, if we liked each other, then we can proceed further.
I remember my mother howling.
My father was sure, it was all my mother's fault. She didn't raise me well. If she raised me properly, then i would have dolled out in a neat saree, pretended to be gentle and pious and served tea to each prospective groom and his family!!
No one out of the 20 short listed wanted to see me at my place of work!
they were all goody two shoes. They didn't want a feminist.
They wanted a traditional woman with traditional values
They wanted a cattle.
I wasn't one.
I never was.
So i thought
22 year old, young, wheatish complexion( what in the world is that? Why would my skin colour matter?) recently graduated from such and such University, seeks suitable groom.
My parents used my cousin who was reputed to have written the most brilliant marriage ads..
Most brilliant here equals to total number of responses, not suitable responses, just the number of letters the poor post man had to carry.
I too had the ads placed in all the paper. My parents wanted to cast a wider net that meant not only Malayala Manorama, but also the other english dailies.
I remember checking the paper to read what my uncle wrote about me and it felt so funny. I felt he was describing an orange or an apple, not me. There was nothing about me as a person.My likes, my dislikes..nothing..
I was just a woman, ripe for marriage and all everyone wanted was to dump me on to someone's shoulder. the rest was up to me.
To make it work..it was my job.
To make the marriage work! it was always the woman's job.
There were plenty of responses to the ad in the paper.. I was in demand
After all i was wheatish complexioned and had a damn good degree..
I am a 'good mother' material..good genes!!!
Aunts and uncles were involved in the initial pickings.
Those outside our religious affiliations were rules out
Then the geographic location. Men from this part of kerala was better that ones from that part.
Finally the list was narrowed down to 20.
Then the trouble started.
I refused to do the tea ceremony!!
Again I wasn't a cattle to be displayed to prospective buyers and I refused to play by the rules.
If there was someone who wanted to marry me, he could meet me at the place where i worked, if we liked each other, then we can proceed further.
I remember my mother howling.
My father was sure, it was all my mother's fault. She didn't raise me well. If she raised me properly, then i would have dolled out in a neat saree, pretended to be gentle and pious and served tea to each prospective groom and his family!!
No one out of the 20 short listed wanted to see me at my place of work!
they were all goody two shoes. They didn't want a feminist.
They wanted a traditional woman with traditional values
They wanted a cattle.
I wasn't one.
I never was.
So i thought
Clueless
I guess, today I feel totally clueless.
I am pedantic to the point of extreme.
I need to have plan A, B, C, D...before I do something.
Walking away from 17 years of marriage doesn't give you a chance to have a plan A, let alone a plan B.
Why am I walking away?
I wish there was an easy answer.
I got married at the age of 22.
It was an arranged marriage, No one really pointed a gun to my head and said you must marry this guy. I made that choice.
At 22, my requirements were a mix of childhood fantasies gathered from reading too much Mills and Boon and a post teenage confidence (wasn't that a mix of delusion and hallucination) that made me think I can do it, I can make it work!
At 22, i had already graduated from University. I was ready to face the world. I had the knowledge and the skills and all I needed was a partner. someone to love, someone to share the good, the bad and the ugly..
But I still had a list.
I remember reading somewhere that 'it is better to be an old man's darling than a young man's slave'
So I was looking for an older guy.
I hated the typical Malayalee attitudes(read MCP) and ego that one find commonly among those who studied in Kerala.
So I was looking for someone who studied outside Kerala
I did hope that the guy I marry will not ask for dowry. I wasn't a cattle in the market to be sold.. and I didn't want my parents to pay money and buy me a husband.
So the list was ready and the hunt began.. FInding Mr. Suitable
I am pedantic to the point of extreme.
I need to have plan A, B, C, D...before I do something.
Walking away from 17 years of marriage doesn't give you a chance to have a plan A, let alone a plan B.
Why am I walking away?
I wish there was an easy answer.
I got married at the age of 22.
It was an arranged marriage, No one really pointed a gun to my head and said you must marry this guy. I made that choice.
At 22, my requirements were a mix of childhood fantasies gathered from reading too much Mills and Boon and a post teenage confidence (wasn't that a mix of delusion and hallucination) that made me think I can do it, I can make it work!
At 22, i had already graduated from University. I was ready to face the world. I had the knowledge and the skills and all I needed was a partner. someone to love, someone to share the good, the bad and the ugly..
But I still had a list.
I remember reading somewhere that 'it is better to be an old man's darling than a young man's slave'
So I was looking for an older guy.
I hated the typical Malayalee attitudes(read MCP) and ego that one find commonly among those who studied in Kerala.
So I was looking for someone who studied outside Kerala
I did hope that the guy I marry will not ask for dowry. I wasn't a cattle in the market to be sold.. and I didn't want my parents to pay money and buy me a husband.
So the list was ready and the hunt began.. FInding Mr. Suitable
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